Sometimes, our desire to help someone can actually make it harder for us to understand what they're going through.
Imagine you're having a coaching session with a client who's talking about a problem at work. As you listen, something sounds familiar. You've worked with similar situations before, perhaps even experienced something like this yourself, and you already have a few ideas about what might help. You could ask a certain question, introduce a technique, or offer a different perspective. And you're probably quite confident that one of those approaches could be useful.
But how do you know you've understood what the client is actually struggling with? Maybe they've started talking about work, but the real issue is something else entirely. Maybe they don't know exactly what's bothering them yet, and they're trying to figure it out as they speak. Meanwhile, you've already formed an idea about what's going on. And without necessarily realizing it, you begin asking questions that lead the conversation in that direction.
I think most coaches recognize this situation. We want to help. That's one of the reasons we became coaches in the first place. But sometimes, our desire to help a client is genuine, and so is our desire to feel like a good coach. And the two can become difficult to distinguish.
Think about a session where a client has been talking about the same problem for twenty minutes. You've asked several questions, but nothing seems to be changing. They're still confused, still going over the same details, and you're beginning to wonder whether the conversation is actually getting anywhere. At some point, you might feel an urge to do something. Ask a more powerful question. Introduce an exercise. Help the client see the situation differently.
Perhaps you've noticed something that could genuinely help the client. But it's also possible that you're beginning to feel uncomfortable because the session isn't progressing the way you expected. You want something to happen. You want the client to have an insight, reach a conclusion, or leave the session feeling that they've accomplished something. And perhaps, somewhere in the background, you also want to reassure yourself that you're doing a good job.
We can use a perfectly appropriate coaching technique for reasons that have very little to do with what the client actually needs.
Imagine the client becomes quiet after you've asked a question. A few seconds pass. Then a few more. You might start wondering whether the question was clear enough. Maybe you should rephrase it or ask something else. But perhaps the client is doing exactly what they need to be doing at that moment. They're thinking, noticing something, or trying to find words for an experience they haven't previously examined. If we become uncomfortable with the silence, we may interrupt a process that didn't need our intervention.
There are also times when a client genuinely needs some help moving forward. I'm not suggesting that we should avoid asking questions or using coaching techniques. What matters is becoming more aware of what influences our decisions about when to use them.
In the TT Coaching program, we pay quite a bit of attention to what happens within the coach during a conversation. Not just to the words we choose or the techniques we apply, but also to our assumptions, expectations, and automatic reactions.
You can probably recognize some of this in everyday conversations, too. Think about how you respond when someone close to you shares a problem. How quickly do you begin thinking about what they could do? How often do you assume you understand their situation because you've experienced something similar? We can become so focused on helping someone find a solution that we miss what they're actually trying to tell us.
During your next coaching session, try paying attention to the moments when you feel an urge to ask another question, offer an observation, or move the conversation forward. Notice what's happening within you at that moment. Perhaps you're responding to something you've genuinely noticed in the client. Or perhaps you're feeling impatient, uncertain, or uncomfortable because you don't know where the conversation is going.
You don't need to change anything immediately. For a start, just notice how often your own expectations influence what you do during a conversation.
And there's one distinction I'd especially like you to think about. A client who hasn't reached a conclusion isn't necessarily stuck. And a session in which nothing obvious has changed isn't necessarily an unsuccessful session.
Sometimes, we're the ones who are finding it difficult to accept that nothing seems to be happening. And that's worth recognizing before we decide that the client needs our help.